I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
