In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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