Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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