saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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