if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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