i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
