I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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