No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
