Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
