Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
