My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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