so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
