my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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