i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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