just come out here and I will go home with you...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize