I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't put those talents on a resume
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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