I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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