Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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