she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
