I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
