We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
