Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
