If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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