a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
