Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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