Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
