And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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