you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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