The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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