I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize