You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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