not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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