My sheets look like a crime scene.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
