Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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