Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
