Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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