I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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