I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
