im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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