The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
