Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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