i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
