the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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