Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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