I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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