When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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