just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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