all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
