My Higher Power is John Stamos
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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