Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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