My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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