I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
