He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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